Feminism / Health

Unnatural Female Enhancement: Ask Me About My BioMod

What is a BioMod?

It’s exactly what it sounds like. A modification that goes in/on your body permanently or semi-permanently. Its sole purpose is to improve your quality of life and overcome limitations of the human body through natural or artificial means.

Are you some kinda TK like in Looper? Can you float quarters over your hands and stuff?

No, don’t make me cry.

Okay, then what does it look like? It doesn’t go in your…your thingy, does it???

No, it does not go in my thingy. It’s a plastic rod about the size and length of a matchstick that goes under the skin on the inside of my upper arm. It’s totally sick! If I run my finger over the inside of my arm, I can feel it sitting there, and I’m going to make all my friends feel my arm to see if it grosses them out. There are two versions: one called an Implanon, which is the first generation, and one called a Nexplanon, which is exactly the same as its predecessor, except you can see it in x-rays.

The nexplanon looking like a little stick thingy.
See? That ain’t scary. It just looks like you finished a Tootsie Pop.

Holy shit! How’d they put it there?

They start by taking the biggest needle you’ll probably ever see and stab you in the freaking arm with it. Then they wiggle it around a bit to get all the tissues a few inches away from the point of stabbing. Then, after waiting for the anesthesia to work, the doctor cuts a tiny hole your arm and uses an applicator to insert the Nexplanon under the skin.

What is it for? What are the advantages?

If you’re currently unwilling to have small life forms spawning in your womb and leeching off your nutrients, a Nexplanon is a great long-term and minimally invasive solution. If you’re really bad at remembering daily responsibilities like taking a pill every day, or if you’re really responsible but you’re just getting too old for this shit, it’s good for that too. It’s also good if you A) Want to be a cyborg, and/or B) don’t want to get an IUD for varying reasons (e.g., pain, accidentally stabbing your partner in the penis, it doesn’t fit, you don’t like things in your uterus, you want to use a menstrual cup without issues, if you want to use birth control and safely breast feed your child at the same time). Lastly, if you’re taking a pill with estrogen+progestin, and want to cut down on the hormones, this is a progestin-only method.

Did you get it because you didn’t want the pain of getting an IUD?

Maybe.

Does that make you a pussy?

Birth control—u-uh, I mean, cybernetic enhancements are not for pussies!

Did it hurt even a little?

The anesthetic feels totally weird and hurts about as much as a TB shot. The rest of the procedure just feels like a lot of tugging and pulling at your skin, but there’s absolutely no pain. About a week after, there may or may not be a big-ass bruise which might be a little tender.

My arm all bandaged up, and feeling like a Goddamned hero.

Does it work?

Long-acting, reversible contraception is by far the most effective birth control out there. The failure rate is less than 0.05%, which means it’s more effective than tubal ligation.

Are there any drawbacks?

The first month or so is when you get the highest dose of progestin, but after that, everything evens out. Side effects are different for everyone, so I suggest you do your research. As for me, closing in on my second week, so far I have experienced fatigue, a mild headache, and I was a really sore loser at chess. I also bawled like an infant watching The Iron Giant, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because that’s a bomb-ass movie, and if you don’t cry it’s because you don’t have a soul. Other things: my irregular bleeding has stopped (it was like someone flipped a switch), and hopefully I won’t get a period for three years because, let’s be honest, humans should devolve that feature altogether.

Does it last forever? What if it breaks?

It lasts for three years, at which point it will self-destruct, taking my arm along with it. Nah, I’m just playing. They take it out and put a new one in if you want it. It won’t break because it’s super flexible plastic. Come on, this is the future.

So are you, like, an actual cyborg now?

No. This is just a single step of many possible steps (and directions) that one must take in order to become a cyborg. I mean, I’d get magnets under my fingertips if it wasn’t such a fucking stupid idea.

NOTE: I cited some information here, and I am willing to answer any questions about my personal experience with the implant. However I am NOT a doctor. I’m just a lady who wants to be part robot. Do your research. Talk to your Gynosaur. Read about people’s experiences with it, and decide for yourself if you think the implant is a good idea.

Advertisements

One thought on “Unnatural Female Enhancement: Ask Me About My BioMod

  1. Pingback: Jane Austen: The First Game Theorist | Be Young & Shut Up

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s