As the wise Drake says, you only live once. You might not understand whether he means “fuck it” or “stay safe.” That’s okay. Drake is cryptic like that. But as you get older, you’ll be glad to have internalized YOLO as a motto for living your life to its fullest potential. Zac Efron has. And whether it means not breaking any bones, or breaking all of them, it’s pointless to wonder.
2. Aspire to have it all.
I actually don’t know what this means, but magazine headlines and HuffPo articles keep talking about it like it means something, so you should probably be doing it.
3. Fail early and often.
Be a failure. That way all your friends will laugh at you and talk about you behind your back, and you will disappoint your family, and just basically be living a nightmare because of how imperfect you are.
4. Ohana means family.
Lilo and Stitch came out in 2002, and the Hawaiian language has been around for centuries. But you’ll enter your twenties realizing you may have not seen every Disney movie ever, and will want to rectify it immediately. Sometimes these movies dispense little nuggets of wisdom, like what a word in one language means in another language. “Ohana” means “family.” Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten.
5. Open a retirement account.
Just kidding, you’ll learn this when you’re 65 and it’s too late.
6. You are breathing incorrectly.
You think there’s only one way to breathe. Two ways, if you’re uncontrollably hyperventilating. You’d be wrong, but that doesn’t make you crazy, it makes you human. You will be taught a lot of things wrong, like whether to wipe front-to-back or back-to-front (thanks, Mom and Dad). The air you breathe in through your nose should go all the way down to your belly. Try it with me: In, 2, 3, 4. Out, 2 ,3, 4. Repeat. Think about it all the time, especially when you’re doing important tasks and/or sleeping.
7. Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing.
Literally nobody. Not even the ones who look like they’ve got it all figured out. Like, what am I doing right now? What day is it? Who am I?
8. Tell someone you love them every day.
Like your dog, or your disheveled reflection in the morning. You’ll have a lot of relationships, good ones and bad ones, and you’ll learn things from them. Even from the people you just met. Tell them you love them, right after meeting them. If they bristle at this just because you’re trying to be forthright, that’s their problem.
9. Plan for financial independence by letting yourself be exploited.
Whether you’re at some soul sucking job, or selling your blood plasma, you won’t get anywhere in life if you don’t let others walk all over you.
10. Be happy. Don’t be unhappy.
You’re so lucky to have everything that you have. Your concerns are insignificant. Your emotions, though abstract and complex, are unreliable. After all, we are all scripts in somebody else’s program. Characters in somebody else’s dream universe. We believe in choice, but choice is an illusion. They are coming… Stop crying about an unreturned text message and get some perspective. Loving yourself is hard. Hating yourself is harder.