Health / Politics / Religion

Satanists Try to Turn the Hobby Lobby Decision Against America

Last month, in a customary 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court handed down its verdict on the Hobby Lobby case. The sensitive and forward-thinking majority of the justices, the ones who believe corporations deserve civil rights (as well as freedom from various taxes and criminal liabilities), decided to extend to the new master race first amendment provisions of free religious expression. As long as a company is “closely held,” it can claim religious exemption from laws that violate their beliefs. In Hobby Lobby’s case, the notion of paying for its employees’ contraception vis-a-vis health coverage was so intolerable, they sued the US government to avoid doing so. But hot on the heels of this victory for deeply religious non-human capitalist entities comes an infernal mockery of America’s Christian tradition. Can you smell the brimstone? It’s SATAN.

This is what Satans do!

This is what Satans do

The Satanic Temple has decided to be a brat about the whole “we can break the law if our religion says we have to” thing and is attempting to bypass anti-abortion “informed consent” measures under their “religious beliefs” of not lying to women about their health or the process of abortion. By pledging allegiance to Satan, the Temple hopes, abortion-seekers can go straight through to the operating table, without even seeing their unborn child’s beating heart under sonogram or hearing about how fetuses can totally feel pain. The evil church further declared:

“The Satanic Temple believes that the body is inviolable subject to one’s own will alone. We strive to make all decisions regarding personal health based on the best scientific understanding of the world, regardless of the religious or political beliefs of others.”

You know how they say one bad apple spoils the bunch? Well, The Satanic Temple is the rotten apple that’s going to spoil all the legitimate causes of religious people whose beliefs demand they impose their values and morals on others. The Satanists aren’t even trying to push ideas on people, they’re just trying to discredit the Hobby Lobby decision! After all, if religious belief can be grounds for special treatment, then even Satanists get to exploit America’s respect and goodwill towards all religions. It’s truly cynical and disgusting.

Satanist making prayer in schools sound like not such a good idea after all

Early last year, satanists tried to make prayer in schools sound like something bad

The religious rights of companies aren’t the only thing the Satanists are trying to defile. God, what am I saying? they’re Satanists. Last year, when Florida governor Rick Scott granted schools the right to bring prayer back to assemblies and other ceremonies, the Temple held a rally, thanking Scott for giving their “Satanic children” the freedom to practice their devil religion in the classroom. Isn’t it just like Satan to turn such a sweet miracle to ash in our mouths?

In Oklahoma, the church crowd-funded a blasphemous monument to be placed at the courthouse opposite a king-sized inscription of the Ten Commandments. The stunt was pulled to suggest that having an 8-foot-tall statue of the laws God handed down on Mount Sinai in front of a courthouse violated the principle of separation between church and state. Nevermind that the founding fathers were Christian(!!!), because the Satanists sure didn’t.

The Satanic Monument the Temple intends to use to indoctrinate Oklahoma

The Satanic monument the Temple intends to use to indoctrinate Oklahoma

The good news is that the Hobby Lobby ruling requires sincere religious belief for the exemptions to take effect. The Satanic Temple isn’t a real religion, by its own founder’s admission. They’re a satirical organization, basically built to take actions like this, to show the “dangers” of violating the constitution in order to mollify religious Americans and publicly-traded American companies. All they stand for is “benevolence, empathy among all people, common sense, and justice.” Checkmate, Satanic Temple! You can’t just have morals in America!

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